Kristen (pixiemab) wrote,

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help us put the 'ass' in vassar!

i just finished scoping out a couple college communities, including michiganstate and ivy_leaguers. i learned that yale rejected 39% of the early action applicants. they also deferred many others, including those with MUCH higher GPAs/class rankings/test scores than mine. then i found

It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The year was 2020, the average yearly tuition for each institution was $84,242, and they just weren't getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a rash, unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the middle of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. Read on for their masterful slogans...

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are
you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your reshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do
you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social
life? Do you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

BRANDEIS: Hey kids! Were you a loser in your high school? Are you
ugly...and fat? Do you love soap operas? Do you want to live in one? Do you like to study your ass off and never get good grades? Are you
Jewish? Are you willing to convert? Well, if you are, then COME TO

PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are
you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? >How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

VASSAR: Hey kids! Did you get rejected from Brown? Hey! So did we! All of us!! Are you gay? Do you want to be? Aren't you dying to know if that SPIN article was true??? (women- Of course it wasn't! aww yeah!!!) Come help us put the 'ass' in Vassar! COME TO VASSAR!!

PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more
years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia?
Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL!!!

YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!

DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away
from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like
to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your
feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

VANDERBILT: Hey kids! Do you like to sweat? Does binge drinking in your room before you go out sound like fun? Do you enjoy being around rich blondes and finding a date to watch a football team that sucks? Come to Vandy!!!

M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you
hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!


MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Wellesley: "God, I'm desperate."
"Me, too. Pass the tea."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Stanford: "Dude, I got a B."
"Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have been a C. Have some fries."

Vanderbilt: "I didn't get into my sorority because my daddy doesn't make enough money."
"Don't cry princess. Have some Baked Lays."

Brandeis: "I got into my sorority because they paid me, they said that they were desperate for normal girls."
"Celebrate! Have some more cake."

Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some escargot."

Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."

Barnard: "I sure wish there were some men here."
"Have a banana."

Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay."
"Ditto. Have some fries."

Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was fuckin awesome."
"Have some beer."

Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy league."
"Here, drink the fry grease."

Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J.Crew catalog." "Here,
look through mine. Have a Bison Burger."

Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow." "Yeah, me too. Let's
finish this keg and go laugh at the American U. students."

Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night." "Bummer. Pass the Ecstasy."

William & Mary: "Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear this stupid colonial outfit." "Me too. Pass the glass-blowing equipment."

Smith: "Oh my gosh! I love your hair." "Sorry, I'm straight... Pass
the fries." (SMITH COLLEGE RULES!!)


Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to
pay the bill

Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician

Brown: Eleven--one to change the light bulb and ten to share the

Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity

Cornell: Two--One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the

Brandeis: The whole school. It would be the most exciting event to
happen in years

Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it

Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counterprotest

Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark

Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him

MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs
changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked light bulb two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch

Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual

Middlebury: Five--One to change the light bulb and four to find the
perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion

Stanford: One, dude

Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one

Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their
progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students

Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the
bulb out of the socket

Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's
nothing else to do

Tufts: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student

Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an
interpretive dance about it

Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress

Bryn Mawr: One- because it would be a violation of the Honor Code if any more did. (hehehe BRYN MAWR RULES! ~and liz wrote this one just so ya

Boston University: Four--one to change the bulb and two to check his
math homework (THAT ONLY MAKES THREE.... -hpm)

Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial
complex and all that

Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one to complain
about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn't go out

Virginia: Thirteen--Ten to form student committee to vote on whether
changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson.

Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in

Boston College: Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time

Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their light bulbs.

it helped me feel slightly better :)

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